Jack Bauer

I know most of these are old, but there still funny. And since the premiere of 24, season six is less than 3 days, 1 hour, 14 minutes and 12 seconds away (not that I'm counting), I thought you all may need to be reminded of some basic facts about Jack bauer.

When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. [Let's see the Dems cut that]

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the damn bomb was.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's [explitive deleted] beef.

When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.

If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ass. All he found inside was a mirror.

Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the Hell have you done with your life?

Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist.

My favorite:

There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

I stole those all from this site.